Despite being the biggest badasses in European history, one tangle with the natives was enough to convince the vikings that settling America wasn't worth the trouble. They were camping off the coast of America, and had every reason to settle America for about 500 years. So to recap, the vikings discovered America. And then the Native Americans kicked their ass out of the country, shooting the head viking in the heart with an arrow. After landing there with livestock, supplies and between 100 and 300 settlers, they set up the first successful European American colony. "Oh yeah, this is just my walkin' around paint."Īfter spending a couple decades sneaking ashore to raid Vineland of its ample wood pulp, the vikings made a go of settling North America in 1005. an English dandy in the newest fashion." Or, with the bullshit removed, "Better looking than any of us, and they're not even fucking trying." British fisherman William Wood described the Indians in New England as "more amiable to behold, though dressed only in Adam's finery, than. Verrazzano, the sailor who witnessed the densely populated East Coast, called a native who boarded his ship "as beautiful in stature and build as I can possibly describe," before presumably adding, "you know, for a dude." This man-crush wasn't an isolated incident. Missionaries met Indians who thought Europeans were "physically weak, sexually untrustworthy, atrociously ugly" and "possessed little intelligence in comparison to themselves." The Europeans didn't do much to debunk the comparison in the physical beauty department. The Native Americans didn't hate Europeans just for the clouds of shit-smelling awfulness they dragged around behind them. The natives, for their part, viewed Europeans as "just plain smelly" according to first hand records. Europeans at the time thought baths attracted the black humors, or some such bullshit, because they never washed and were amazed by the Indians' interest in personal cleanliness. In the realm of personal hygiene, the Europeans out-hippied the Indians by a foul smelling mile. While the city was abandoned by the time white people got to it, the evidence they left behind suggests a complex economy with trade routes from the Great Lakes all the way down to the Gulf of Mexico.Ĭontrary to what museums told us, the loin cloth was not the most advanced Native American technology. In 1250, it was bigger than London, and featured a sophisticated society with an urban center, satellite villages and thatched-roof houses lining the central plazas. ![]() One of the best examples of how we got Native Americans all wrong is Cahokia, a massive Native American city located in modern day East St. More carbon dioxide was sucked from the air, the Earth's atmosphere held on to less heat, and Al Gore cried a single tear of joy. When all of the tree-clearing Indians died in the plague, so many trees grew back that it had a reverse global warming effect. The Indians were so good at killing trees that a team of Stanford environmental scientists think they caused a mini ice age in Europe.
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